The Pledge...

 So this is the big one. My pledge to myself will be a written commitment to improving certain aspects of my life. I will use the information and promises written down here, to guide my life and habits for the next 6 months at least. After that, we will evaluate and adjust accordingly, but you'll see why I've put 6 months as the time limit later.

Let's start with some of the negative influences in my life that I've identified. I say "identified" as if some of them weren't blindingly obvious and won't be to you too, but still here's what I found:

1. My Job: 
   In late 2021, I was doing a lot of work on my project at work as the manager had just left. In my department, it was only me and him on a huge, multi-billion pound government project, so the product we're making is complex to say the least. I took on all but a few of his responsibilities, expecting some kind of recognition, at the very least. I thought I'd done the work well, but they ended up hiring someone who had been in the job a year shorter than me, to be my manager. This was after I'd spent entire nights covering way too much work for one person. This kind of set me off into a spiral at work and it took me 6 months to get any kind of motivation back for it. Now, I'm left with a very hollow feeling about the company I work for and I've been looking for ways out for a while. I think I've finally settled on a job. I'll go into how I did this in another post, but for me, this is a main driver of negativity in my life.
2. My Living Situation:
   Now I don't want to mention it, because this blog is inherently down-beat and the one aspect of my life that I can say I'm genuinely so lucky in, is love. I proposed to my girlfriend this Summer and absolutely none of this blog will be about her. I love her more than anything and I would be in a much, much worse place without her. This is why I can only be extremely broad when I describe this one. Unfortunately, my living situation fills me with a lot of depressive thoughts, most days. they're normally tiny little things that annoy me and spawn a metaphorical itch under my skin, but they also stack up and when you have itches all over your body, sometimes you just want to drench your whole body in disinfectant. I think that moving out of this current living situation will be my disinfectant shower, and it is very much needed. To help this issue and the first, I am aiming to get a new job, back in the city I went to university in. Incidentally, this is the city I met my fiancee in, so it will be nice for us go back and see if we can make a nice life there. This would essentially turn the tables on both problems, but maintenance would absolutely be key, not to mention this all hinges on me getting a job, something I haven't done or practised in 5 years... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about that.
3. My Health
   One of the biggest shames in my life is how backwards my trajectory in fitness is. I used to be part of an athletics club in which I completed nationally (the team finished 2nd) in 400m, Javelin and Hammer throw... I won't tell you how much I embarrassed myself in the hammer. I used to be very god at football too. I was training or playing matches 8 times a week and I wouldn't even get much muscle fatigue and of course being a young teenager would have an effect, but the fact is, I can't even briskly walk for 2 minutes without feeling it a bit. I need to get my fitness up and start building up my health to a point in which I physically look and feel so much better.
4. My Headspace
   Generally, I'm not the best at regulating my headspace. I get easily annoyed at my own twitter feed, I get wound up by the smallest inconveniences and worst of all, I let these things fester in my mind for far too long. I need to improve my ability to regulate my headspace to ensure I keep sane when things that are completely out of my control happen. To do this, I'm planning to take up meditation as a regular habit, rather than the current sporadic hobby it currently is. I've been practising meditation for a while, but I've never taken it seriously, despite the fact it helps me when I do it. I also need to be better at letting things slide and this will take a lot of practice, but it is a necessity that meditation is not my only weapon against poisonous thoughts. I'm planning to bring education back into my life to help give myself more things to focus on. I'm currently learning a new language and my hope is to become moderately capable in 6 months.
5. My Finances
   Probably the culprit for a serious episode that started off this need for devotion to a happy life, my finances have taken a huge hit in the last 18 months. So big, that even typing about it now, I feel shame, sadness and pure anguish. It is a weird feeling, knowing you're absolutely fucked in a specific area of your life. It is certainly not one I'd want anyone to go through... well maybe not anyone, I think there are a lot of people who need to humbled quite a bit, but perhaps that's the residual poison in my brain still taking effect. Maybe one day I'll go into this more, because money issues are obviously a main driver for a lot of people's sadness, especially in today's financial climate, but right now? I'm sorry to myself, because I'm just not strong enough. The solution for this is frugality and smart decisions, because I do have assets that could help me, but I'm in a desperate situation and right now it feels like nothing can save me.

I feel like if I implement these changes and stick to them, there's no way my life doesn't improve in 6 months. To help the implementation, I've created a calendar with all tasks included and now I have notification on my phone, telling me what I need to do each day. Whether that's half an hour of learning a new language, writing in this blog or going to the gym; everything will be down in writing as to make it harder to ignore these responsibilities. 

I've read enough books to know how to turn hobby's into habits and the start will be the hardest. This blog started 2 weeks later than I thought and I haven't even started to go to the gym yet, but I will be committing to all of these soon.

For Motivation. 6 months on my current timetable would mean (roughly):

• 91 hours of language learning
• 78 hours of exercise
• a Full, healthy and up to date blog.
• A stable financial position.

For reference, you can become advanced in a language in at least 480 hours. With a basic understanding already, 91 hours should allow me to have actual conversations in another language.

All of this seems worth fighting for, doesn't it? So use this post as a promise. To you. This will not be a passing idea, nor will it die after a few good months. This is a lifestyle change, and the thing about that is, its not really a lifestyle, until it becomes second nature.

Fight For This. Fight For Yourself. You Can Do This.